It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The descent

It's raining.
Again :)
I'm not complaining. I have no issues with rain anymore.
I am ready to run my errands but will wait 'till it ends.
In the interim I'm reading blogs and checking out some "new to me" music.
Just listened to the "Amazing Journey" from the album Tommy by The Who. I didn't listen to the whole thing. I didn't like it. Kinda weird.
I did like a couple of the lyrics:
"Ten years old
With thoughts as bold as thought can be
Loving life and becoming wise
In simplicity."

"Sickness will surely take the mind
Where minds can't usually go."

The song is about a 10 year old blind boy.
I don't remember being 10. I don't remember bold thoughts, loving life or becoming wise in simplicity. I do remember feeling clueless about life. I was very much a person in the blind.
I do know from experience that "sickness will surely take the mind where minds can't usually go."
I've tried to go to some places I've never been before in the last couple of years but I don't seem to have much luck with "new".

I didn't fit in very well at a dive at the beach where we went for beer and dancing a few weeks ago. I love to dance at home but felt very out of place in public. I like alcohol and am especially fond of beer. But... alcohol and a little free space increases the sexy in me. I love sex and men and sexy men :). But I have few boundaries and less when I drink.
As much as I wish I were, it seems I'm not cut out for the party life.

I also did a great job of finding and falling in love with a man I can't have :(
Now at the end (and the bottom) of two years of roller coaster emotions he has made his intentions (or lack thereof) very clear. It's been 3 grueling months since his final goodbye but I have finally come to a place of "exceptance".
He spoiled me and I could never want another man again.
It seems I'm a 2 man girl :).
I had one love and I still have one husband.
I'm done with "new".

This is a strange place that I'm in. I'm floundering but I float too well to sink :).
I'm a mushy mess but I'm going to make it.
I think I have my husband to thank for that. His love is rock solid. I couldn't get rid of him if I tried (and believe me.... I've tried).
The surety of his love and his being here made it possible for me to explore and experiment.
The surety of his disapproval kept me somewhat in line but mostly it kept me creative and dishonest.
I'm supposed to feel guilty for all the above.
I'm supposed to be a lot of things that I'm not.

I'm not bragging. I'm not necessarily proud of what I've done or who I am but neither am I ashamed.
I gave 32 good, long, hard years to one man and one man only!
Then I broke under the weight of life. I was alone and very lonely. I needed deep roots to hold me up under the heaviness of a life without joy. But instead I found the burden of a forever reality and no way of escape.
I was lost, broken and without hope.

Love walked in and I fell hard.
I was ready to leave with him and never look back.
I believed in a dream.
But I was mistaken.
I was foolish and confused.
I was needy, clinging and desperate.
Love walked out.

Reality stayed.
And I will stay. I will continue to love, serve and take good care of him. He will continue to do the same for me.
My presence, the performance of my daily duties and the merest show of affection will satisfy him all the days of his life.
Unfortunately I do not feel the same satisfaction he feels.
He is content with what is. I am plagued by what isn't.

Recently he took me for ice cream and to watch the sun set. (he loves ice cream/I love sun sets)
He was content to sit in the truck, with the air blowing cold, watching the sunset with me. No words.
I was restless and frustrated. I didn't want to be in the cold truck. I wanted to be in the fresh air. I wanted to sit on the bed of the truck, swing my legs, pick out animals in the clouds, share old stories, kiss and tease.
The frustration built and I finally got out and climbed on the truck bed. A few minutes later he walked to the back and stood there. He began slapping mosquitos and complaining about the heat.
I wasn't hot and the mosquitos were the furthest thing from my mind.
It was such a perfect opportunity for my love for him to grow. Just a smile, a whisper, a stollen kiss. Anything new and different. 34 years of the same thing has grown so stale.
But he isn't that man. He will never be.
I can't stop comparing.
And he will never measure up to my dream.
He still requires that I live in a very tight place. My movements, my entertainment, my friends, my everything is subject to his approval and mostly his disapproval.
Just today we fought over a movie I want to see that he does not approve of. From there he digressed and his jealousy of men came out as a vicious attack.

Why is it that the thing he fears most, not being able to control me, is the thing that makes me crazy for freedom?
It has been barely 24 hours since I said what was supposed to me my final goodbye to a man who no longer wants, needs or can bear to have me in his life.
It is the right thing. But the hope, the acceptance and the dream of possibility that man gave me and the knowledge that it is all gone is a truth that tears at my soul. I am in anguish.

The war rages on.
Once again a door is shut. No matter how much I want it open it is locked tight.
I feel trapped. I am trapped. This is my life. It is not optional.
I had no options before love.
I have none now.
I must find a way to go on.

This is another day of desperation. And I am helpless against it.
I cannot share my burden. It is mine alone to bear.

"Sickness will surely take the mind
Where minds can't usually go."

Everywhere I go I see what might be your red car. There was one in my neighborhood yesterday a little before noon. Another today around noon.
When was the last time you felt the "crazy" of gnarls barkley?
Have you escaped that sickness of the mind??

I am descending once again into that darkness
... but I won't stay.

The same slippery slope I'm falling down is a future ladder to climb :).

"Ten years old
With thoughts as bold as thought can be
Loving life and becoming wise
In simplicity."

No comments:

Post a Comment