Fantasies vs Reality (don't fault me)

Since last I was with you I spent 7 days at Disney World with my hub. Our 35th anniversary is just months away and we wanted to do something special.
Considering our options I thought Disney was as close to having fun as we were going to get.

Our first choice was a "Sandals" resort. But I knew such a place wasn't for "us".
These are the things I would do in the Caribbean or in Jamaica; sail, scuba diving lessons, golf, nude sun bathing, walk, sit and sleep for hours on the sand and in the surf. Night time would be great food, dancing, drinks, reggae bars, karaoke, good sex....
Add a lot of fishing and some para sailing for the perfect get-away for a couple in love, celebrating 35 great years. NOT!!!
I would be sailing, diving, sun bathing, hours in the surf, dancing, drinking, listening to good music & para sailing ALONE.
Together we would fish, eat great food and have good sex. But those are the same things we did on our last 2 vacations and I was trying to expand our itinerary.
I'm not complaining! Fishing, food and sex rate 1,2 &3 (not necessarily in that order ;) in my list of favorite things.

"We" aren't Sandals kind of people for the same reasons "we" aren't cruise people. So I went for something where anyone should be able to find fun. NOT!!!
I was, as always, in love with everything! The architecture, the landscaping, the shows, the golf courses, the rides, the pool....everything!!!
My husband isn't easily impressed but he did say the food was great.

Don't fault me my fantasies until you walk the narrow path I tread....

(fantasy island)

"You've Got A Friend" carole kinghttp://youtu.be/trEwDejTKRY
(fantasy friend)

Somehow marriage and friendship didn't come as a package deal for me. But happiness is a choice and I have much to be thankful for.
Take care, elle

"Do you think about me still?"

http://www.yunamusic.com/

"Thinkin' 'Bout You" yuna
http://youtu.be/nm5yyimKo4E

"Do you think about me still?
Or do you not think so far ahead?
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever"



A really nice version of the Frank Ocean mix.
Enjoy!!

"What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains."

Tennessee Williams

"I'll Never Say Goodbye"

"Say goodbye
Why? I can barely say good night
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?"
http://youtu.be/3GDHU-eZmyM

"When I say always, I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I'm not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you I'll never say goodbye"

"I'll Never Say Goodbye", a beautiful song from Barbra Streisand.

The movie is "The English Patient"
"The English Patient is a story of love, fate, misunderstanding and healing. Told in a series of flashbacks."
"In love, there are no boundaries" (copied from the movie box)

 
Today is a day of love, fate, flashbacks, misunderstandings and questions. Is there a place of no boundaries? Does it exist outside the realm of my imagination? And am I still moving forward on the road to healing, understanding and acceptance? Today none of yesterdays truths matter (post "Ordinary LOVEliness" 10/1/12). Today all that matters is my promise, "I'll never say goodbye". I'll never make that mistake again.
And so like Henry and June (see post from 9/27/12 "What to read?? Sex or morality?", like Laszlo and Katharine (The English Patient), I continue to love two men violently and without regard to consequence.

"I have no other choice, for one is my breath and one is my song." elle 

 

Ordinary LOVEliness

I spent a lovely weekend with my husband these past 3 days.
He had a rare long weekend and we had few options. We could stay home for 3 days with our daughter and the 2 grands or leave. As much as we love all three of them, we are with them everyday and we look forward to our time away from the runny noses, the whining and the everyday world of toddlers.
This is a good place to say that we raised our FIVE without the daily help of grandparents or anyone else. Also a good place to say that we have only had 6 months of our 35 years of marriage without kids and grands moving in and out like a revolving door.

We've been talking about driving to the Houston area to look at a Mini Cooper for the past several months. I have the boys most weekends and it's rained every other weekend so getting away has been impossible. Determined not to miss the opportunity to 'escape' I made last minute reservations for a room and away we drove late Thursday night. I was fighting a recurring cold that the 3 year old and I keep exchanging and I wasn't feeling really great. We ate at Denny's then went to our room where I took a long, hot bubble bath and fell sound asleep. It was obviously not the romantic get-a-way we are used to BUT in the middle of the uneventful I found a quiet and peaceful place of rest.
It's been a long time since I felt the contentment that comes from years of being loved and understood by the same person. I've been fighting this so-called "ordinary life" for about 3 years. I've felt very discontent and bored. I've often felt the hopelessness of the mid-life mantra; "is this all there is??!!".

I dedicated an entire post to this subject on Sept. 3: "A Crossroad; Proceed with Caution!". In it I discussed the movie 'Hope Springs' and dissected a quote on the subject of "cheating".
From that quote I wrote; "Personally I question the 90/10 rule. Do "all the years that you have been with each other", "the storms you have weathered together", "the many adjustments", the "little quirks" and "the wealth of memories...as lovers" add up to 90% of life? Am I the sum total of the years I've spent and the children I share with this man? Am I willing to call that my 90%? How do I look forward to a future that holds a chance of adding only 10% to who I am and who we are?"

This past weekend made me question again. Have I been underestimating the power of someone who knows so much about me? Have I been unwilling to admit the power of his love? He definitely knows my little quirks, knows how to push just the right "buttons" as a lover and is learning to accept the "new me" one step at a time. He loves me, and that ordinary/extraordinary love that comes from "years" and "adjustments" felt so good and safe. I was sick, a little cranky and not very energetic. He adjusted. He "knew" what made me smile, when I'd had enough, when I needed to eat, to rest....

It's been a long time and it feels sooo good to be content in my "ordinary" life of "loveliness".
elle

"Alone In the World" barbra streisand
http://youtu.be/lT2TJIf_zMg

What to read? sex or morality???

"Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls. "
Anais Nin

http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7190.Ana_s_Nin?utm_medium=email&utm_source=quote_of_the_day
I'm not a big reader. I find reading to be tedious. A book must grab me and hold me or else I'm bored and would prefer to put it down and 'do' something. So I don't "escape" into books like so many others. This inability to sit still can be dangerous. It would be safer for me to be home reading than out looking for my own excitement and adventure (;

Anais Nin makes me a little nervous but so much of what I thought I was "alone" in, I find in her. I'm not ready to plunge into an experiment with lesbianism or deviant sex. BUT something major has changed in my life. I never thought I'd fall in love with a man other than my husband. I never thought I'd feel NO guilt and only rest and pure joy in his presence. I never thought that I would question EVERYTHING including a faith and a marriage that were supposedly my core, my center. I never thought I'd have to make so many moral choices and be so miserable making the "right" ones.

"A man's mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions. "
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

"and all the answers that I started with turned out questions in the end" alison krauss 'gravity'

I'm on the library list for "50 Shades of Grey" but I think I'm more interested in ready Nin's 'Henry and June'.
"Henry and June exposes the pain and pleasure felt by a person trapped between two loves."
"the ongoing battle between loving submission and intellectual assertiveness; how difficult it is to be a strong woman while still holding on to one's emotional vulnerability." "http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11038.Henry_and_June

Sounds like me :)
I'm off to the library, again. Surely a book like this will be able to hold my attention.
With love, elle

The Arms of Autumn

 

Autumn

The season of the year

after new has passed away

the colored leaves now waltz & float

to celebrate each day.

We too have met that time of life

when youth has danced away

Yet cease we not to waltz, to float

'till in rest our heads we lay.

Enjoy each leaf dance a dance in air

in beauty and in glory

Waste not the days, repeat his ways

 as each season tells your story.

Do hearken now with open heart

and hear the autumn song

Miss not a moment of her breathe,

 she sings away each wrong

And offers you a respite

from the heat of everyday

Within her arms a hidden place

she holds the cold at bay.

Her shelter will continue

'till spring shall bloom at last

Through the certainty of seasons

may you find hope in autumns passed."

elle

9/7/11

Happy Monday Dearies :).

....and just like that.... it was over :).

Friday was a long continuation of days of darkness.
Saturday dawned and I was exhausted beyond words. The grands played outside and I sat quietly watching and refereeing as needed. As the morning moved towards noon I realized I was barely holding on by a thread.

It was my turn to cook for the big family dinner after church on Sunday. I had gumbo, potato salad and banana pudding on the menu. Everyone was invited and excited (we've been waiting impatiently for gumbo weather :). BUT the thought of hours of cooking and toddler watching was overwhelming.

I sent out an "I'm sorry" text to my kiddos. "It seems my desire far outweighed my ability. In other words I'm not cooking.", and then I cried tears of defeat.
Both daughters and daughters in law sent the same return messages, "no problem! I understand completely!!!" and they do :).
Baby brother (my 25 year old son) was disappointed but his wife set him straight real fast :).

Once the text was sent and the responses came in I was greatly relieved!
We ate lunch on the porch, took quick baths and LONG naps. I slept for an hour and a half, and then  made my way to coffee and couch time.

and just like that.... it was over :).

As if someone turned on the light...the darkness was gone.
No more depression. No more exhaustion. No more numbness, sadness, anger or defeat.
...it was all gone :). and I am so very, very grateful.

*note:
Evaluating the 10 days of depression, I realized that they coincided exactly with the days I was fighting allergies and a cold that the grands had. As the need for decongestants increased so did my depression.
I pulled out the paperwork on my meds and reread the side effects and interactions:
Yep, the meds I was taking for allergies was increasing the negative side effects of my anti depressant, including the troubling dreams, thoughts of suicide, increased agitation, etc, etc....

Somehow that makes me feel better. The thought that there was a reason why I went down so hard and so fast was reassuring. I am so ready to return to the years when I had occasional days of depression in an other wise good life -vs- a lifetime of depression with rare good days.
I felt I had turned the corner and was on the winning side of this 4 year battle. I still feel that is true.
This was a tough 10 days. But it was just a bump in the road.
I am ready to move on! I am ready to do more and be more.

Untied and ready to fly :)
elle

:).

have one on me
have a magic filled weekend
elle

and I hate it

I believe that today is the first day of something. and I hate it
I made the decision to change my path. and I hate it
It's all farce, just words. I won't be able to follow through. and I hate it
My heart feels empty and my days feel loooong. and I hate it
Change for me comes soooo slowly. and I hate it
I am who I am. and I hate it

If I could do anything I wanted, no fears, no one to answer to....
would I?
Not today. and I hate it

 

 

(art work Clare Elsaesser)

 

 

Just string me up... please :).

This is me back in April at the deer lease. I was resting after catching and cleaning a string of fish. I love the outdoors.
It was a good weekend :).
I got to sunbathe and gypsy dance in the nude, ride the 4 wheeler (dressed :) and fish to my hearts content.

It's been a beautiful week here on the gulf coast. The weather is perfect. Normally I would take full advantage of it and live outside on my big porch, take my pole and find some fish, get some sun at the park....
but it's not been normal these past 10 days or so. I don't feel the 'this hurts so bad I just want to die' depression of a few days ago but neither do I have any motivation or desire to do anything. I'm in the 'I'm exhausted, my head hurts, I don't give a shit' part of depression. I never know how long it's going to last but I always feel like I'm loosing. I'm in bed, getting older, not living. Just like I was a year ago and the year before that.

I don't know what to say except "it is what it is" and it sucketh BIG time.
Later, elle

Somebody That I Used To Know

"Somebody That I Used To Know" gotye

http://youtu.be/8UVNT4wvIGY

Watch it again. You'll love the teamwork. I did :).


http://youtu.be/MsoRSI7ei4E

"Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember"

 

 

 

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over"

 

 

 

"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

 

 

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

 

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody..."

"Never underestimate the power of "something".
It's everything compared to "nothing".

It is enough."

elle 11/10/11

 

 

 

 

and today is that day... 

Come hell or high water,

if it kills me,

I'm done.
 

Just add water...

(this post follows the one I wrote this morning; "dark, drowning, depression")

Can't promise it works every time but thank goodness it worked today!

I told my husband over the phone I had to get away, I was going to the park and I'd be home in time for DD to go to work.
I threw his lunch in the oven and left the house angry, driving through a haze of tears. By the time I reached the water I was quiet and numb. I backed my truck up to the water, sat barefoot on the tailgate staring into the wind.
Time. Friend or foe??? I never know
Alone. Friend or foe??? It varies

But today both 'time' and 'time alone' were on my side. No phone meant no temptation to text and no obsession to share the beauty or the despair.

I spent almost 2 hours in wind, water and sun therapy. I laid on a blanket in the back of my truck and slept a deep, dreamless sleep. I woke in time to grab lunch at my favorite taco joint and got home just in time for my daughter to go to work (and me to go on "duty" with the grands).

I do need to share this funny episode;
My husband was not happy about my trip to the water. He never is.
He was not happy that I wasn't here when he came home for lunch. I'm always home.
He wasn't happy that I'd accidentally left my phone at home. Neither was I.

When I arrived home some 2 hours later I saw that he was still here. I went flying in the back door knowing that no one could reach me and he would be worried.
Sitting with him at the dining table was daughter #2. I could tell she was upset and had been crying.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I ran away to mom's to 'escape', only to find that you weren't here. You'd gone to the park to 'escape'." she laughs.
She and I are both laughing now. My huband is just sitting there (poor hubby....he's surrounded by emotional women :).
DD #2 and I head to the back porch to compare "sob stories" and hubs heads back to work thankful that I'm back home safe and back "on duty".


Life is strange. Just this morning I was debating; "Is it better to be depressed here where people are always in my space or to be depressed somewhere like the beach where it is beautiful but desperately lonely?"
I already tend towards negative thoughts. Depression is isolating. A negative me in isolation is not a good combination. I've never attempted to take my life but I never fail to think seriously about the pro's and cons of living vs dying,  my worthlessness vs the effect such an action would have on my family.

Another "never fail"; I never fail to give thanks that I didn't make the wrong decision in a dark, depressed place.
The water and the time away worked.
I'm better now. Glad to be alive :). Aware that the darkness hides just outside the light :(

I didn't get any house work done, there is nothing thawed for supper BUT I'm home and safe. Daughter #1 is at work and I'm here caring for her little ones. Daughter #2 is back home ready to tackle the challenges of a large family. She knows she is going to "make it". She's seen her mamma do it for years.
elle

dark, drowning, depression

My mind, my will and my emotions feel paper thin. The winds of life are ripping me to shreds.
I started sinking last week. Depression tugs and drags relentlessly until I am powerless to stay above the dark waters.
I am angry. I am lonely. I am bitter. I don't want to fight anymore. I want it all to end.

I Need You Now

"I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me -
but I can't gaze into my own eyes and
feel my own soul lift me up."

(I would love to give credit to the writer of the above but I copied it from a tweet. I know 0 about tweeting.) 

Strange things and repeated fears

Strange things have surrounded my thinking lately.
Strange dreams, strange ideas, strange fears....

Combine the strange with the uncertainty that haunts me daily and the rather unsettling combination is dark . Such was my week....

First I dreamt I had a lesbian lover.
I've feared for long that I wasn't normal or right or acceptable. If my dream were to prove true then I'm really screwed or "un"screwed it would seem :).
I'm not afraid of my sexuality.
I love sex.
I love men and all the wonderful "things" that make them male. I would not want to be denied the passion and pleasures I have only recently rediscovered.
I'm more afraid that my need to be "understood and accepted" would push me to the only thing that could free me from this "straight and narrow" life that is slowly destroying me.

Next I struggled with despair.
Same root fear; I'm flawed somehow.
Two weeks ago I liked me and saw potential...
but not this week.
This week "the old" hangs like a huge, wet sail, wrapped around my body.
What was designed to give flight and freedom, to propel across the frothy sea has instead turned. A cooling breeze turned dead.
I am weighted, slowly drowning, without hope of deliverance.

There are no saviors. My biggest fear of all has proven itself true. No one can rescue me.

It is a strange day in a strange week. A bass filled song that repeats itself with regularity in the story that is my life.

“Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly,

 

 you’ll find yourself,

 

and that, and only that, can be the happiest or

 

 bitterest hour of your life.”
— Pablo Neruda

 

One day I looked deep inside and realized "this is me" and I cried.
I'm still crying and nobody knows.

elle