An observer

I stood looking out the window earlier. I went from the front of the house to the back. Green grass, blue sky. I've done this for as long as I can remember. Stand and look out.
"On the inside looking out", an observer and not a participant.

Have you ever heard of the experiment where they put a fish in a tank with a glass partition? The fish hits the partition over and over in an attempt to reach the water on the other side. Repeated attempts only prove that there is no way around the glass and to the other side. The fish gives up trying to break through the unbreakable barrier. It is a fact that is accepted. A learned behavior.
Then the glass partition is removed. The fish has free reign of the entire tank. But it does not venture into these new waters. The learned behavior remains. The fish will live it's entire life in only half of the tank. To the fish the other side is not reachable therefore there is no point trying.

Is the fish stupid? It's easy to think so when you know that the glass has been removed. You are judging from a position of freedom. The fish doesn't have the luxury of your knowledge.
From the fish' point of view there is no need to continue to run into a glass wall over and over.
He is on the inside looking out. An observer.
So am I.

There are days that I feel motivated, empowered and alive. On those days I walk in and out of my house. I make choices and decisions. I smile, sing, dance and laugh. Lovely :)
There are other days that I feel unmotivated, defeated and hollow. On those days I exist. I stand at my window and look out at the beauty. A kind of defeat weighs on me.
I have good days and bad like everyone does.
BUT I am always limited. There is ALWAYS a glass wall. There are always the "rules". Many unspoken, some I've pushed against, all inpenetrable.

I am struggling. I have been struggling for many, many years.
My life is good on one hand. I am well cared for, surrounded by a big, strong family and loved by a very good man.
On the other hand my life is a cage. What I do, what I watch, what I dream are all controlled by the same good man. His "rules" are very stringent.
When I first married, 34 years ago, I needed security. The rules didn't matter. I would gladly surrender my freedom to be safe.
Somewhere along the way I grew very aware of what surrender had cost me. Very aware of the walls of this cage. As time goes on I hate them more and more. I am trapped. I really have no choices.
As long as I can remember I was controlled by lack, fear, neglect, lonliness and anger.
Then I married. I am now controlled by responsibility and guilt. I am desperately lonely.

I stand and look at the world. I cannot reach beyond my cage. I must live within my confines, within the "rules".
Some days I am content, others I am angry. But never am I free.


From the movie "Tombstone" with Kurt Russell
http://youtu.be/CMeM_pTiMfE

This is one of my favorite movie scenes. The chemistry is wonderful and sexy.
If you don't care to watch all of it then start at 3 min & stop at 5:37

Josie: "well I'm always happy.... unless I'm bored"
Josie: "I'm a woman, I like men. If that means I'm not "lady-like", then I guess I'm just not a lady! At least I'm honest."
Wyatt Earp: "You're different. No arguin' that. But you're a lady alright. I'd take my oath on it."


That's what I want... to be different.
(Tombston is based on the true story of Wyatt Earp. Despite the fact that he is already married he and Josie fall in love and in time they marry and live out their lives together. I guess "bad" girls make good wives too. :)