It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Friday, August 24, 2012

new things and old words

New things I've tried this week;
I drove a 2013 60th Anniversary Edition Corvette convertible :). SWEET!!!
The only thing new about this is the newness of the vehicle. My love for fast cars and speed is as old as I can remember.
I once drove my son in laws new Cadillac at 135 mph and my dads new BMW at 155.
I owned and loved a big 4 door diesel truck for several years and I can tell you that when I'm in a big powerful vehicle my personality changes.
I'm an entirely different person in my old lady mini van than I am in something sporty.
I get attitude! Serious attitude. "Get the f out of my way I'm bigger and badder than you" attitude :). And I love it!!!

My husband bought the van 6 years ago when our oldest daughter and her 3 little boys were living with us. I fell out of the big truck twice trying to load babies into car seats while balancing on a running board.
I went to work one day and came home to the blue bomb. My 4th mini van! A terrible blow to this lover of fast, sexy cars.
The only say I had in the decision was "a TV". Which translates into a DVD player. Now 6 years later we have daughter #2 living with us and her 2 little boys.
The blue bomb has been a blessing. It has entertained all 14 grands. It is dependable. I don't pay for speeding tickets or extra insurance. I continue to drive it because I believe you should drive a vehicle 'till the wheels fall off. No matter how "un cool" it looks.

So I dream of fast, sexy cars and drive other peoples as often as I can :).

The next new thing I did was play golf.
Everything about that experience was new (except driving the cart).
I absolutely loved it!!! I knew I would.
I have a long way to go before I'm the new Tigress Woods! I am totally confused as to which club to use and my drive needs distance. But I'm a quick learner and a good student.
I'm looking for a partner to help me with the basics. I have the perfect one in mind..... but it's complicated :).

Now to "old words";
I am always amazed at how quickly a situation can change.
I will struggle, struggle and struggle with an area. I will fight with myself until I become overwhelmed by my inability to change.
I can become so discouraged over a situation, attitude or mind set that I can't see any progress. Too often I've declared myself a complete failure and given up in despair.
Then one day I wake up and it's done. The battle is over. I don't know how or when the victory came but "it is finished".
I have no explanation for this, but I can point to time after time that it has happened, and I am still amazed.

My weight.
I shared the other day that I am struggling again with my weight. I lost 35 lbs last year and found 15 of it this year :(
I am too stubborn to buy new clothes to accomodate my spread.
I have a piss poor attitude concerning the fact that I can't get into 80% of my new clothes.
I want comfort food more than skinny jeans!
This has been my life for the past few months.

Last week I declared "no man, no motivation." It was the truth. I meant every word I said.
But I wasn't happy with the mindset behind the words. Why can't I lose weight for me? Why don't I feel good enough about myself, without him, to look and feel better? Am I willing to give up sexy just because he isn't here to enjoy it????
These questions kept bothering me. Part of this journey I'm on is about "doing and being" without the need of someone else's insistence or approval. It's a journey to be "me". Not another person's version of me.
Where does this come from??? How did my body image get so twisted? Why do I associate the way I look with my value as a person?
That was easy to answer; the only man in my life who has ever judged my worth based on my looks is my father. Once again I had allowed the old bastard to rule in my thoughts, feelings and decisions.

I asked myself the question my therapist would ask every session, "what do you want elle?"
I want to be thinner. I want to feel sexy. I want to sunbathe and fish in the nude. That's me!
I did all those things last year when I was thinner. I did feel sexy and I loved it!!!
My body is getting older every day. I don't want to waste anymore time.

That was it! Change came! I have been walking every evening, lifting weights again, dancing and doing yoga/ballet. I love it! I love the sensuality of movement.
It's easy to ignore the M&M's on my counter and to prefer my bikini's over bread and butter.

More Than A Woman bee gees (Saturday Night Live 1978)

"Oh, girl I've known you very well
I've seen you growing everyday
I never really looked before
but now you take my breath away."

(Thanks to "Super Marcey's Super Website" for her "Movie Song of the Week")


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