It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Monday, August 20, 2012

Just stuff

It is a lovely 77 degrees outside this morning with low humidity!! Perfect :).

I'm watching the boys play. One is very phlegmatic (laid back). He can play alone for hours with a piece of string, a car and a plastic cow. He is a happy baby boy :).
The other is very melancholic (up tight). He is picky and whiny. He needs to be right, to be heard, to be first. He is selfish and high maintenance. He's very smart!
I don't want to label him an 'unhappy' child. How unhappy can you be at 4??? All his needs are met. He is loved, played with, read to, fed, clean..
But he is only happy when things are going his way (which is not near enough for him). He is soooo much like his Nana.
I love him.
I understand him. I know what goes on in that little mind. I know that lonely look behind his beautiful blue eyes.
He feels deeply. Even at his young age he understands loss. He feels grief and cries for his no good, low life father who doesn't give a s--t about him.
Children shouldn't come into the world melancholic. They should all be phlegmatic (laid back) and sanguin (fun).
So should Nanas. I try really hard :).

I'm going golfing tomorrow. My first time. My neighbor is taking me. We are taking the kids :(
Her only 2 grandsons are also 2 on my 10. (is that clear as mud? LOL! :)
My son is married to her daughter and we are going golfing with 4 little boys.
Sorta dampens my excitement.
But it's golf and it's outside! YES!!!

I'm gaining weight again :(
My motivation to look young and thin has wained.
My real motivation was another man. One of those flashbacks to the past that had nowhere to go. It caught me by surprise, took me to amazing heights and then broke my poor little heart :(
No man, no motivation.

I consider myself to be a "southern lady" in the style of Weezer from Steel Magnolias and Josie from Tombstone (movies :).
This is not the same southern lady I was 3 years ago. I was a church going, Bible toting, faithful wife and mother. I'm still a mother (and a wife).

I have become the banana pudding queen!
Here in the south it is imperative that you make banana pudding from scratch. I am a good cook but never mastered that art. My youngest son turned 25 earlier this month. For his birthday he asked for banana pudding. That's all it took. This momma can now cook a mean puddin'!

Most southern traditions center around food. In my effort to find my nitche in this world I have settled for what is within the tight confines of my life. I have a large family and I can cook. So I cook. My kids and grands come to eat, I clean up and that's pretty much it. Which leads me to the next thing....

My "faith" crisis is putting a wedge of seperation into our family. I see it growing and feel helpless to change it. I go to church with my family but I am just an observer. My days as an active participant are gone.
That's all I feel like saying on that subject.

I'm getting melancholic.
Time to turn off the computer and put on my mask. Time to cook and clean, take care of the kiddos, cook and clean...
But first I'm going to enjoy this cool breeze and water my beautiful plants :).

I'll let you know how the golfing goes!

Blessings :)

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