Holding my breath....

It's Thursday. I've written and rewritten this post at least 8 times since I first posted it on Monday.
It's not that I couldn't get the words right. They're the same words I've been sharing for 2 years. What's changed is the thoughts behind the words. What's changed is me. I've changed and I didn't even recognize it until I read my words and realized that they no longer "fit".

I'm going to try again. I'm going to try to find new words to describe the new things I feel.
From Monday:

"Your words from Friday caught in my heart and I've been holding them all weekend.
"I'm missing you like crazy"  ran over and over in my mind. I kept rereading mine, "It's just a "weird" day. Don't let it confuse or derail you. I have that effect on people (you :)".

I wrote those words to you but I was really reminding myself, "It's just a weird day" Elle. He's "missing you like crazy" TODAY, but tomorrow will be a new day. He may think he needs you today but by Monday he will be renewed and things will look so different. "Don't let it confuse or derail you". He has "that effect on you".
And you do :)

I continue to look for you every morning 'just in case'. Today you were there and I smiled as I held my breath. A nervous anticipation filled me. "Don't let it confuse or derail you" I reminded myself.

Later I found the picture of you smiling so gorgeously. 'Be still my heart'!
You definitely have that "effect" on me.

I'm headed in the right direction.
There was a day when just one word from you and I would have gladly taken a running leap. No clue to where, but I didn't care.
Days came when you did speak words and I did jump. My timing wasn't good. My understanding was worse. I really was derailed and confused.
Those days are gone. I no longer leap blindly."

But that doesn't mean I've let you go. I still look for you everywhere I go. I can't wait to hear from you.
You still take my breath away....

What has changed?
Me.
I'm finding contentment in my life and in the love of my husband. More importantly I'm finding peace within myself.

The truth hurt so badly for so long that at times I felt like my skin was being ripped off. You know how desperately and irrationally I've behaved.
But your determination to remain Ex Communicare began to work. The farther you were from me the closer I got to him.
In the same way, the closer you get to me, the farther I get from him.

Any contact from you does threaten to derail me. But instead of slipping into confusion I find myself pulling from deep inside. I remind myself that you aren't mine. When that truth begins to drag me under I take control. Instead of sitting around waiting, frustrated, depressed, angry....I get up, turn off the computer and get busy!
My house is spotless :).

I still love you. Truly, madly and deeply! I don't ever want to lose you. My desire is to find a way to move on with my life and still have you in it. 
We could make it so we never touch again. Never write, never share, go our own way. I know that was your intention. But just the thought takes my breath away and I feel the scales crashing and taking me with them.

F. Scott Fitzgerald once said:
"All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath."  
I think the same thing could be said about 'all good love'.
Both move people. Both involve passion, require risk and both are so worth the effort.
Not everyone can do it. Not everyone can swim under water and hold their breath.
Not everyone can find 'good love' and not drown in it.
I couldn't.... but it was the sweetest swim I've ever had <3

I have chosen to keep writing, loving and dreaming.
I have chosen to keep holding my breath for the things that matter.