Trying harder

I wrote yesterday about "decisions".
It turned out to be as much or more about the "questions" I'm tortured with than the decisions I make.
I reread it this morning and saw immediately that it was really just more of me wining about the way things are.
I fall so easily into the "poor me" attitude :(

Yesterday evening I chose to go for a long, "burn that fat" walk.
Back home I took one of my favorite CD's onto the back porch, turned on the ceiling fan and spent a full 45 min with beautiful music. I stretched, lifted light weights and did a modified form of ballet and yoga. It felt amazing. I was wonderfully tired and relaxed.

I walked the length of the porch drinking in the colors of dusk as I cooled down.
I sat in the evening breeze watching the beauty unfold around me.
I thought about love. I thought about life. I thought about trying harder.
My husband was in the house.
He was missing out on the beauty.
That was his choice.

The beauty of the sunrise and sunset is a constant of everyday. It is up to me to get up early enough in the morning or to slow down long enough in the evening to enjoy what is free, available and magnificent.
Life is that way. There is beauty in every day. There are moments of magnificence. Moments of joy. It is up to me to watch for and appreciate them. These life moments are often short lived. They burst into life and then retreat.
I'm not guaranteed a day full of beautiful moments. But if I try harder and look deeper I will find them.


Watching the colors of dusk turn the sky from blue to orange to pink last night moved me.
The colors became vibrant and almost fire like! Then they simmered and mellowed into colors I can't even describe except to say... "it was beautiful".

I am exactly the same way. I am warm, vibrant, almost fire like at times. I simmer and mellow into an amazing, beautiful person.
I find beauty easily. I love the birds, the breeze, the colors, smells and sounds of the outdoors. I enjoy good movies, long walks and quiet evenings. I enjoy sharing them.

It is my desire to share. I don't want to feel all these lovely feelings of beauty without someone to share them with. That is why I blog. I need to share. I need to be heard.

It is why I retreat to fantasy. A place where a man who loves me sits beside me.

Again this is an area where I need to try harder.
My life "is what it is". My marriage "is what it is".
I am blessed to have all my physical needs met.

It is up to me to be who I am, to give what I can, to enjoy and live.
It is not up to me to make my husband happy.
It is not up to him to make me happy.
Happiness is a choice I will try harder to make for myself.

I will try harder to judge him less and accept him more.
I will continue to be me and make my joy, my fun, my adventures available to him.
But it is up to him to enjoy the beauty of the sunrise and sunset that is me.

I will try harder...


LIZ ON TOP OF THE WORLD pride and prejudice

http://youtu.be/IISaqrS_XpQ


The soundtrack from Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorites ever! It moves me with the same passion as the colors of dusk.
Liz On Top Of The World is an amazing piece of music. But it is also painful. It bursts forth with beauty and lures me in. Then as quickly as it appeared...it is gone.
I find our time together to be the same. Amazing yet painful. Full of beauty then gone.
But I still call it my favorite!



    

Decisions, decisions

Today I had to make the decision whether to spend time with my daughter & grands, shopping and eating out, or staying home and cleaning.
I chose to play rather than stay.
(I do have to question if shopping with 2 active boys is my idea of a play day :)

I'm at stay at home Nana. I have a daughter who lives with us and I keep her 2 & 4 year old's while she works. I keep the household running smoothly, meals cooked, kids happy and house clean. I do a good job. I do it with joy :).

Not all my decisions are that easy.
Not all of my life runs that smoothly and with joy.
Instead it is messy and uncomfortable and downright dirty at times.

Is it really as easy as just "try harder"?
I'm a strong woman. I can do hard things. I can stay and try harder to be who I used to be. To be more acceptable. I can close my heart to the me who is fun and adventurous. Turn my back on the me who likes "iffy" jokes, cold beer and being nude in the sun. But I like the new me. I really, really do :).
I can try harder, but should I???

Sometimes I can't help but ask "why?". Why do I stay??
Is it to save face, the family name, to bring honor and not shame to my husband and children?
So many people do all the "right" things for what is seemingly the "right" reasons. But is it right to do right simply for the sake of right?
I know the answer is "yes" but it feels so "wrong".

Am I asking for too much?
Am I unthankful?
When is enough, enough?
When do you throw in the towel?
Am I wrong to want passion and not just familiarity? Am I being selfish because I long for a companion and not just someone to occupy a space in my bed?
I want to be "in love".
I want to laugh again.
Is that wrong???

The decision would seem so easy if I could ask myself "do you want someone who enjoys you? or are you willing to spend another 35 years with someone who only tolerates you?"
Ask it another way, "Do I want to be with someone I enjoy or someone I just tolerate?"
It might appear easy BUT it's not. It's not just about what I want or don't want.
It's about a thousand roots tangled together with no way to seperate one from the other. No way to dislodge one without destroying the entire system.

So everyday I wake up and make the decision, once again, to stay.

what controls me, what I control

On Oct. 26, 2010 I wrote a post called "mountain climbing".
I reread it today.
I rewrote some of it.
It's about going around the same mountain over and over and over.
It's about what we learn with every trip.

I've been discouraged lately. I'm back, again, where I started. Back to a place of hopelessness that is all too familiar.
I feel isolated, hurt, angry and tired. Each trip from hopelessness to hope takes much energy.

The first time I blogged about my trip around this mountain I wanted to die. Literally.
The second time I wanted to live :)
The first time I saw no hope.
The second time I had found hope but still hadn't found my way.

This time my way is even more unclear. Reality is making my journey very weighty. I feel myself retreating. I feel the discouragement that comes with saying "I tried and failed".
I tried to be my own person but I failed. I tried to leave but I stayed. I tried to fly but a cage is my home.

I've spent the last 8 weeks without Love. It's gone and it's not coming back.
I've spent the last year trying to convince myself that it's better to have security than acceptance, food than love, a roof than happiness.
That makes me safe, full and sheltered.
It also leaves me vulnerable, empty and trapped.

Did I learn anything this time around???
Yes
...I learned that my roots are DEEP. If I pull up and move on it will leave a massive hole in the lives of many. I don't know if I could ever be happy or find a place of peace knowing that my children, my husband (or ex), and many friends would be left behind believing, praying and standing for my return.

...I learned that I can control my husband with alcohol. He HATES it on every level. All it takes is one glass of wine and I don't have to deal with him for several days. He sleeps on the couch, avoids me and doesn't speak to me.
This used to crush me. The rejection was nearly unbearable.
It used to anger me! It used to control me. It was his tool. He knows I will do almost anything to be accepted and avoid rejection.

Now I'm afraid I've turned a dangerous corner. This is a powerful weapon and it seems that once again he's pushed me over an edge I never would have crossed.
Once again I'm giving control to something that has the power to both control and destroy me. But I'm running out of options.
 

I felt stupid...

I wrote you today, twice.
First to invite you to spend a very special, twice in a lifetime, day (& possible night) at the beach with me.
Then to tell you that I needed to save face (and sanity).
I know you'd never come and rather than spend a week in anticipation of the impossible I was bowing out in what I thought was a creative and somewhat comical way.
No response.... as usual.
I felt stupid.

Maybe nothing I send you makes you smile.
Maybe all the things I find hilarious are just silly & childish to you.
Maybe...but I'll never know.

I tried repeatedly to send a third email.
But all I could get out were 4 letter words.

I was embarrassed.  I hid behind hurt and anger.
But don't fret...
I'm a slow learner but I'm not stupid.
It's just another lesson in "how to let go the hard way".
Soon it will be over and I'll be gone for good (or at least another 35 years :).

.....and that's about as "better" as you can get :).

other peoples lives

I enjoy quiet mornings of surfing the web. I've taken to reading the blogs I follow and then following the things they follow. The world is HUGE! The people are amazing!! There is so much joy, inspiration and creativity.
My world can be very small. Some days I can't see past this bedroom. It is boring and uneventful and growing more cynical with ever year.
I always swore I'd never end up a bitter old lady. But I see her ugly frown entirely too often :(
I always said I'd grow old gracefully like Barbara Bush. But instead I'm fighting it wrinkle, by sag, by bulging vein :).

Reading about the ordinary lives of ordinary people who view life through a lens of joy encourages me.
Today I met Carlotta. She dresses FAB, is young and full of life, dreams & plans.
I also visited abbie. She was musing her future in photography. She ALWAYS makes me smile.
A quick stop by Beach Bungalow gave me a little culture into the world of art made from sofa stuffing. LOL!
Life feels good from the bed this morning.
BANANA PANCAKES jack johnson
http://youtu.be/6Graa_Vm5eA

breaking the silence

After weeks of desperately needing to hear from you I finally got an email last night.
The news of your 6 weeks of sobriety is the best news I could ask for.
The fact that it coincides exactly with the day you turned and walked away from me is almost unbearable.
I still want what is impossible. I still want you.
I responded to your email and said all the right things, careful not to let my broken heart show.
I love you. I do want what is best for you. I'm so foolish to continue to hope that it could somehow include me.
I know you are going to continue on the "right" path. God forbid I lay my burdens on your shoulders and make your road more difficult.
You are wise and good. You do what needs to be done no matter the cost.
I envy those traits. I do not posess them where you are concerned.
I don't know what the future holds for me but I know yours is looking bright and for that I am thankful.

could you, would you, should you?

I could sit on this porch in the sun and the breeze dreaming of you all day. Could I?
I could send you funny signs, great music and believe you cared. Would I?
I could keep loving you. I could do it alone and forever. Should I?
Yes!

You could sit by the water, laugh and talk to me about anything. Could you?
You could lay by me, whisper and share the clouds like you used to. Would you?
You could drink your life away trying to hide from your fears. Should you?
You could love me without limits. You could.
But you won't.
And that makes you the better man.

DOWN miranda lambert
http://youtu.be/kSDvBqDpcMA

ramblings

"comments make my day. so leave one & be awesome." by abbie @awakened
abbie still makes me smile. i love her youth and innocence, her love of photography and love of words.

My worD pot has been filling up and filling up and filling up. I can feel a spillover coming. I desperately need to find a new therapist. With a thought life of 1200 words a minute, a husband who  listens but is clueless to what I'm saying, a best friend who's life is unbelievably full of drama and my personality that does not lend itself to making and keeping friends.....I've got no one to talk too.
(i am aware that "I've got no" is grammatically incorrect, but I've still got no one to talk too :).
I'm sorta clueless of where to start. Do I write about my continuing obsession? The futility of said obsession? My proposal to my husband? The mistake I made with said proposal and the feelings of panic I now have?  How aware I am of life around me? How lovely the St. Augustine feels under my feet or the playing of the birds delights me more and more each day? The stab of regret and the dull ache I carry? An ache that reminds me that I've no one to share the waves, the bunny or the snake I see in the passing clouds? The fear that old things are returning to haunt me? The fact that I had to force myself to sit on the porch this morning when only last week I was bitching because I couldn't get outside enough? The fear that I am being lured back into my cage? That I will slowly give up the fight, relent and settle?

I have a blog in my head that links the upcoming movie LesMiserables with a song by Ben Howard called The Wolves. It is my thoughts on spirituality, demons and God. I believe wholeheartedly in the existence of each but it is a battle I am unwilling to participate in. (although I know I am knee deep in the blood of said battle)
I have another about old phrases, questions, and new ideas:
"If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?" (i say yes)
"What you don't know can't hurt you." ???? (like i said, i have enough thoughts on that one to do an entire page :)
What about this one???  Every 20 years or so a marriage should end and the people get to start over. That one has me stumped. I'm 34 years into this one. Some days I am content to spend another 34 where I am and some days the thought makes me want to jump off a cliff.

DESPERATION miranda lambert
http://youtu.be/i8Ma02FlZZI

I feel like my worD pot has been emptied enough that I can avoid a fruitless contact with someone who will neither acknowledge or respond to anything I have to say. I was lonely when I started this blog 11 months ago. I was lonely when I started typing this morning. I am still alone.
But there are 11 birds lined up on the top of my fence and I can't help but laugh. They keep moving from one end to the other, trading spots and arguing. The sky is a perfect blue with the slightest breeze moving the clouds. The dogs are quiet and the birds are LOUD.
and I'm smiling :).

Be blessed, elle

the seventies and me

Embroidery on denim was HOT in the '70's. I was right in the middle of the frenzy, my hands busy working the needle and the rainbow of floss onto anything denim I could lay my hands on.

I browsed online this morning and found some cool pieces for sale ranging from $90 - $385.00. WOW!

I have no clue what happened to my pieces but I remember them very well. A denim shirt with a big Holly Hobbie on the back and Winnie the Pooh on the front was a favorite.
I even won a contest once for a pair of "hip hugger" jeans w/ a train across the butt :).

The '70's held a plethera (an overabundance) of life for me.

I turned 10 in November of 1970. I crocheted, embroidered, played solitaire and made gum wrapper chains.

By '74 I was "hot" in my daisy dukes, bikinis and "crop tops". My life was music, boys, purple, isolated, beachy, boys, solitaire. I was awash in hormones. My body was perfect, my libido was strong, my emotional health and decision making skills were sorely lacking.

There was little balance or normalcy in my life. My parents were long divorced and each was neck deep in their own perpetual stages of crisis.

My memories are faded and what remains is the alcohol, sexuality, assault, deception, anger and fear all around me.

The little girl thrown into the adult world had been too long struggling to survive. By the 1970's I was already damaged goods.

"Keep your head down and your eyes closed. What you can't see can't hurt you."

1977, I was pregnant.

1978 I was a wife and mom...

I don't remember most of the music of the '80's. I was BUSY! By 1987 I had 5 children, I was a pastors wife and lived a VERY sheltered but safe life. SAFE was all I cared about.

From the 70's I remember the Jackson's, the Carpenters, the Osmonds & the Partridge Family.

I loved Ray Stevens, Jerry Jeff Walker, Carly Simon and Barbra Streisand. I listened to McArthur's Park by Richard Harrison. I remember the Beatles, Chicago, the Eagles.....  at my peak in 1975 I loved everything!

Reading "The Top 100 Songs of 1975" I know all but 3!

"The seventies and me" lived hard, loved often, hid, ran and survived.

Not exactly the way I'd choose to live my teens but I can't go back....

I threw away so much of my life in the '70's. I had no clue when I left my denim behind that one day it would be worth hundreds. No clue that the Love I rejected would one day come back and restore my youth. No clue I was making forever choices.

I've tried, for years, to forget that much of that decade even happened. But "the seventies and me" are finally making peace with one another. And this is good :).

 

Just for fun leave the name of your favorite song from the 70's in the comment box. We'll all sing together!

Hold The Line

Hold The Line toto
http://youtu.be/vCo_a8i0-JM

New music, new challenge, old fears

OLD PINE ben howard
http://youtu.be/KiglLBLkzeg

Surfing blogspot looking for interesting people ALWAYS yields great results. I found myself on a great site for music, water and lovers of surf called "SoulBlog."

Check out their beautiful video: "Fathoms Left to Fall"
http://iluvsoul.blogspot.com/2012/04/fathoms-left-to-fall.html

A search for the music played on "Fathoms" led me to the video "Old Pine" where I fell in love with an acoustic guitar, a cello and the beautiful blending of smiling musicians and lovely harmony.
I played the cello and sang beautifully at one time.
I also loved an acoustic guitar player.
But unfortunately...
not at the same time.

Since I began this blog I have walked through debilitating depression, suicidal thoughts and the decision to leave my marriage.
I have made amazing progress in these past 11 months!
I am mostly depression free. I want to live and I love my husband very dearly :).
Good stuff!!

My new challenge is finding a way through obsession.

An Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be anything from gambling to checking door knobs.
My obsessions have ranged from sex to spending, from door knobs, counting, typing in my head to clicking my teeth.
Most people who have obsessions have a difficult time with uneven numbers. I'm no exception. For years I counted squares on the floor, syllables and how many slats there are on my miniblinds. I would add and subtract or even move my chair to hide an extra square. Whatever it took to have an even number.
According to my therapist an obsession is based in fear. The fear that if you don't do a certain activity that something bad is going to happen. OR an escape from something that causes fear.
Obsessions are very time consuming and draining. The hiding, the planning, the waiting by the phone or computer can consume hours and days.

I don't remember a time that I wasn't obsessed with something. They followed me through adolesence and into adulthood. When I turned 50 the obsession with "something" became an obsession with "someone".
The old fears crept slowly back in. The fear of discovery. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection.

His (my therapists) answer to the problem: Just quit. Quit counting the squares on the floor. Quit checking the door knob to make sure it's locked. Just quit...
And so I did. And he was right....nothing bad happened.

I have been able to overcome many of the some'things'... but not the some'one'.

I was an addictive/obsessive spender with thousands of dollars in hidden debt for years and years. But the fear, the rush and the need of spending never touched the fear, the rush, and the need of some'one'.
My nights, my days, my songs, my laughter and my tears all say "someone".

What to do??
Don't give up.
Face my new challenge and my old fears.
Enjoy some new music :).


A few of my favorite lyrics from Ben Howard:
"No man is an island, this I know.
 But can't you see?
 Maybe you were the ocean when I was just a stone."

"And the birds still sing outside
 These windows where we sat together
 Like nothing ever happened here."

"Cause I don't want to,
 To trouble your mind with the childish design
 Of how it all should go.
 But I love you so.
 When it all comes clear,
 When the wind is settled,
 I'll be here, you know."

"Go your way,
 I'll take the long way 'round,
 I'll find my own way down
 As I should.

There'll be oats in the water
There'll be birds on the ground
There'll be things you never asked her,
Oh how they tear at you now."

"Hot sand on toes
 Cold sand in sleeping bags.
 I've come to know the friends around you
 Are all you'll always have.
 Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone
 Careless and young, free as the birds that fly
 With weightless souls now.

We grow, grow, steady as the morning
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, steady as the flowers
We grow, grow, older still
We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn
We grow, grow, older still"

"Darling you're with me, always around me.
 Only love, only love.
 Darling I feel you, under my body.
 Only love, only love.
 Give me shelter, or show me heart.

 Give me love, give me love.
 Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart."

"I been worryin' that my time is a little unclear
 I been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
 I been worryin that we all live our lives
 In the confines of fear.
 Oh I will become what I deserve
 
 I been worryin', I been worryin'
 I will become what I deserve."
I obsess over getting things "right". (I will rewrite this post a minimum of 3 times.) Only sharing one line to a song is almost unaccepable. I did so good 'till this last song.
I think I'm getting tired and I can't choose my favorite line, so I just copied and pasted the whole thing :).
Sorry...


"I spent my time watchin' the spaces that have grown between us.
And I cut my mind on second best or the scars that come with the greeness.
And I gave my eyes to the boredom, still the seabed wouldn't let me in,
and I tried my best to embrace the darkness in which I swim.
Oh the darkness in which I swim.

I'm walkin' back down this mountain
with the strength of a turnin' tide
Oh the winds so soft on my skin,
The sun so hard upon my side.
Oh lookin' out at this happiness,
I search for between the sheets.
Oh feelin' blind and realize,
All I was searchin' for was me.
Oh all I was searchin' for was me.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
Oh my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your hair,
Keep your hair long.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same,
Eyes like wild flowers, with your demons of change.
May you find happiness there,
May all your hopes all turn out right.
Oh may you find happiness there,
may you find warmth in the middle of the night. I saw a friend of mine the other day,
and he told me that my eyes were gleamin'.
Oh I said I had been away, and he knew,
oh he knew the depths I was meanin'.
And it felt so good to see his face,
or the comfort invested in my soul.
Oh to feel the warmth of a smile,
when he said "I'm happy to have you home."
Ooh I'm happy to have ya home.

And I showed my body to the sea again,
and I laughed at her for bein' so cruel.
And I left these broken bottles, and empty cooridors.
And I walked right on through.
And I never, I never dream of you.
Oh honey I never, I never dream of you."

I journey on.
Much love, elle

"Good-bye"

They say "a man never knows how to say good-bye and a woman never knows when".

I can't figure out when, how or why.
But I do know how a man says good-bye:
Meet in a special place, see her smile, her willingness, her joy.
Know that she believes you love her and want her.
Then walk away....forever 

"When you came to me
You said love could not erase
The ever present memory of another face

I tried to make you love me
How I could I be so blind
To think I'd be the one to change your mind"

What's in a name????

 "I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I've never been able to believe it. I don't believe a rose would be as nice if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage."
Anne (with an e) of Green Gables

Anne always found it important to remind people that her name was spelled with an "e".
Not Ann, but Anne.
It was her name, unique to her and worth spelling right!

Our daughters name was mispelled at birth. Like Anne the letter missing is an "e". Actually 2 e's.
Two missing e's doesn't seem like a big issue but the mis-spelling seperated her from a very special person in my life and instead linked her with a 'not so favorite' person.
Our sweet girl was delivered by a mid-wife at our home. (great story for another day!)
I was excited to name her after my best friend and maid of honor, Emelie.
I also had a cousin by marriage, Emily.
After her birth my husband and our pastor went straight to the Judge and registered
her birth as Emily Amanda.
I did not discover the misspelling for several days and was told that the process to correct the mistake was a complicated and lengthy one.
With 3 small children and a newborn I relented. I didn't have the strength to fight it.

I don't talk about the mis-spelling because I love her and I would never want her to feel that 2 e's would somehow change that.
Do I wish her name had been spelled right? Yes.
When my friend Emelie thinks about me I wish that thought was accompanied by the thought that I loved her so much that I named my daughter after her.


I go by many names. My given name, an altered version for family, my maiden name, my middle name, and my online name's'.
Having so many name's' has NOT brought peace. It makes me anxious. I feel myself being torn between different worlds as I move from one name (identity) to the next.
When I escaped to this "online" world and assumed another identity I was lonely and desperate.
I found acceptance and freedom. I was much more comfortable here than in the "real" world.
I was living a beautiful dream. Loved by 2 wonderful men and unable to give up either.

My therapist warned me to be careful about splitting myself into multiple worlds, multiple identities.
I've not found a way to merge all that I am, so I will continue to move ahead steadily, happy with the progress I've made and anticipating what's next.
There will come a time when the "me" who blogs, likes "iffy" jokes, cold beer, dancing and non-Christian music is as welcome in my "real" world as the "me" who plays with grandbabies, goes shopping with my girls, 'junkin with my mom and makes love to one good man.

This online world of secrets has become very lonely.
I look forward to the day when I am no longer split. The day I welcome elle into the world of L.E. What's in a name?
For this nana, mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend and lover of fun my name's' are everything.
They are who I am and who I am becoming.

Green things

It's incredibly quiet this morning. Very rare!
Sitting in my Nana chair (a big overstuffed chair that will fit 1 Nana and 2 small grands), and enjoying the view.
This is the best spot in the house and I'm surprised how seldom I take advantage of it.
From here I can see out 3 sets of french doors and the windows of the sun room. It's like a vision in green :)
Green grass, green leaves and even a wildly aqua green house! Birds are in abundance and I never tire of their communication across my yard.
I've started gardening again. I don't actually have a garden but I do have 2 tomato and 2 bell pepper plants ready to go into an old wash bucket :).
I have flowers again.

Before the storm I had a lovely front yard and porch, as well as a huge red hibiscus on one end of the house, pink azaleas on the other and plans for paths and a pond.
That was 3 years, 8 months ago.

After the storm I avoided the front porch and seldom went outside. I let several amazing plants die without ever giving them one drink of water and only scowling at them when I walked by. Unbelievably I even let 10 crepe myrtle trees (a welcome back to your house gift) sit in my frig for months until I finally threw them in the trash.

Time has healed much of the grief, confusion and hopelessness of loss.
I find myself doing, enjoying, loving and giving again.
I see my creativity as I drag old barrels, buckets and tiny blue rubber boots out of my garage.
I'm planting again. Relishing the smell and feel of the dirt. Aware that I too am growing and blooming.

There are memories and treasures I cannot recover, relationships I can never restore. But there are new memories to be made, treasures in unexpected places, relationships that have been found and others that have grown.
I am not alone. I found a wonderful new friend and she is me :).
 

I'm just going to jot down some thoughts and come back later to organize and beautify :).

I worried and worried about yesterdays post. Why did I write it? Why did I send it?
I felt guilt and shame. I felt stupid. My old "self loathing" trying to sneek back in.

This morning I logged on as quickly as I could. Maybe I could fix what I screwed up again!
(with you I felt like a perpetual screw up.
without you I feel like a screw up/obsessed stalker :).

I read what I wrote and smiled. There was nothing wrong with it. I wasn't being needy or wanty or bad in some way.
It was a good post. I enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed the warmth and the smile I felt remembering the good memories.

I wasn't overwhelmed by the loss. I felt a mild dread, but that ache of loss is just a reminder that everything about you was real. To me our friendship was beautiful. Far from perfect but so precious to me.

Later gator....

The year was 1975...

"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"  bee gees
http://youtu.be/niqfrFSFlZ0

The year was 1975...
A summer of boats and bikini's, concerts and kisses..
Of toes in the sand, east to west...
When music rocked, we were free...
And things that could've been ...somehow  weren't.

Now memories linger, some questions have answers, but not the "why's??"
And some things never change... like broken hearts
Whether we're 14 or 54...
They still hurt. And the pain feels like it will never end.

BUT when I weigh the pro's and con's...
"I would rather have had you for a whisper in time than not at all ♥".

Not because it doesn't hurt to lose you, it hurts like hell.

But what I gained in that whisper of time changed me for the better. It changed me forever.
I can fly higher, smile bigger, laugh often, love deeper.

All I needed was someone to accept me for who I was, which gave me the freedom to become sooo much more :).
Yes, it was worth it all.

You were the key that opened my cage and set this heart free... to soar!

"I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow."

But I can also hear the song of the black bird, the clouds and your laughter.
I smile, and I ache.
I haven't found a way to do one without the other.

"Smiling through the tears,
Walking through the fears,
Loving you through the years."

There are some things I just can't change.
There are some I just want to keep forever.
You are both.
elle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just another verse in your looong song.

It's only been 8 days since I said my final "goodbye", but it feels like an eternity. Surely months or at least weeks have passed.
Moments of melancholic loneliness rush over me like waves.
Only pride prevents me from reaching out to "Touch You For Awhile".

There was a time when I thought I could make you smile. Thought I had something "new" to offer.

"I don't hardly know you,
But I'd be willin' to show you,
I know a way to make you smile.
Just let me whisper things,
You've never heard before.
Just let me touch you for awhile."

This was one of the first songs I sent you. How embarassing that I didn't watch the video first. The song meant so much to me but the video was ALL wrong! :).

I was such a newbie to everything (YouTube, texting, phone pictures, secrets, desire...)
I was so clueless to so much.
Just like the girl from so long ago, the woman was still wounded, running, hiding.
I think I was ripe for the picking but I had no idea that somewhere inside I had been waiting.
Waiting for permission. Waiting for acceptance.
I thought after all the years of rejection and conforming that change and growth were impossible.
You cracked the door and I came running out "like someone had left the gate open".

Everything about you was fresh, new and exciting to me!!
I just knew we were destined to find each other.
I just knew I was "one of kind" in your life.
I was wrong.

You were "one of a kind" to me. The kind I could never let go.
But I think I was just another verse in your very looong song.
A song you've played before, only changing the names and dates.

The rain is coming. I can see the clouds in the distance.