It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Lost and Found

It's been somewhat of a crazy week. Way too much has happened for me to process and digest.

Looking back, my "the glass is half empty" mentality sees loss. Lots of things lost.
But in reality I found something. I found out how much I've lost, how much I've got, how much I'm giving up, how much I'm loved, how misunderstood I am, how much I'm accepted and how much I'm not.

It's Sunday again. I'm alone with my thoughts again. I'm sad again.

Somewhere in the back of my mind is this belief that if I could just get to the shore then I could think clearly. I could cry and grieve and then leave it all behind.

But sitting right next to that thought is the truth that at the shore I would be alone.
The person I want beside me doesn't exist except in my mind and my heart and I'd rather be alone than be with the person who wants to be. And they're both the same person.
And it all comes down to something lost.
I lost innocence this week. I lost the ability to believe that the impossible is possible.

For months I've been so sure of so much. So sure that the life and joy I felt was contagious. That my freedom to live and let live would set others free. But it didn't. It did the opposite. Now I've hurt the one I love while I was trying to love the one who hurt. And they're both the same person.

 I was so naive in my efforts. Somehow convinced that if I tried hard enough I could change a leopards spots. But I can't.

I'm rambling. I have no focus. No clarity. No understanding of why I'm so different. I see my world in shades of acceptance and others see it in stark contrasts of black and white.

I don't want others to tell me how to think or what to believe. I am an adult and can think and choose on my own.
This week I found myself trying to tell others how to think and what to believe and when they didn't I took it as rejection.

My husband says to me "Go do what you want, I just don't want to hear about it.", "Be on FaceBook, I just don't want to know about it.", "Have a blog, I just don't want to read it."
I was angry and hurt and felt horribly rejected. He doesn't want me. These things are me and he doesn't want them.

Then I broke it down and thought it out. He has every right to think his own thoughts and feels his own feelings.
When my thoughts, feelings and beliefs are different from his that doesn't mean I am rejecting him. I am choosing for myself. I owe him the same respect. I owe him the right to be who he is without making him feel guilty because I feel rejected. He is not rejecting me. He just can't accept or embrace most of me.

What hurts the most is that he is on a long list of those who can't embrace me. I feel like such an outsider. There is a club of the "good" who do "right" and I don't fit in. But because they are "good" they love me anyway (or at least as much of me as they can handle).

 I personally think he is the one on the losing end. He has chosen not to embrace all of me. He has rejected parts of me that he cannot embrace but still loves me with everything in him. And he grieves over his inability to change.
If that logic is true, then I am also on the losing end. I have chosen not to embrace all of his thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
The big difference in us is that I do not love to the same degree he does.
I do not grieve over my inability to change. I've conformed and been his clone in the past. I have no desire to go there again.

Instead I grieve because I know the truth. A truth he cannot face. We are polar opposites. We have each chosen our path and they will never meet or intersect.
We are destined to spend our lives together in a form of shallowness. Neither able to change their leopard spots. Not even for love.
He will continue to grieve because of his guilt at not being able to accept me as I am. I will continue to grieve because I'm tied to his guilt even though I do not share it.

We are not soul-mates. But we respect each other, care for and love each other. We have agreed to disagree and to live in inharmonious harmony.
Not much to look forward to is it???

I have sacrificed much in my quest for self-discovery.  My marriage, my friendships and even a large measure of the respect I used to have from my children, my family and my church.
Now I am even more of an outsider than I was when I was pretending to do and be all that was expected of me. I was disconnected then because I could never be true to me. Now that I am being true to myself I have driven the wedge even deeper.
I do not belong. I've always been the square peg and I still am.

This has been a strange week. I have found answers. But all the answers point to how much I have lost.

Tomorrow it is going to rain at the beach. Rainy days and Mondays are bad enough but going to the beach alone to walk in the rain alone seems cruel.
Yet spending another day in this house alone spells disaster.
I think I see a pattern here. I have choices all around me. But none take me where I want to go because where I want to go doesn't even exist.
"I wish I was a bird Forrest, so I could fly far, far away".

"The Frog Prince" keane

"An old fairy tale told me
  The simple heart will be prized again
  A toad will be our king
  And ugly ogres our heroes

  Then you'll shake your fist at the sky
  "Oh why did I rely
    On fashions and small fry?"

  All promises broken
  Feed your people or lose your throne
  And forfeit your whole kingdom
  I'd sooner lose it than still live in it alone

  You were our golden child
  But the gentle and the mild
  Inherit the earth, while

  Your prince's crown
  Cracks and falls down
  Your castle hollow and cold
  You've wandered so far
  From the person you are
  Let go brother, let go
  'Cause now we all know

  Soon, someone will put a spell on you
  Perfume, treasure, sorcery, every trick they know
  You will lie in a deep sleep
  That's when

  Your prince's crown
  Cracks and falls down
  Your castle hollow and cold
  You've wandered so far
  From the person you are
  Let go brother, let go
  'Cause we all know"

"Seven Day Mile" the frames

"Your will changes everyday
  It's a choice you've got to make
  I can't help you if you want to
  Down here nothing gets a chance
  It's a threat that's real enough
  We can burn this bridge or stay here
  It's a breeze everlasting like time
  Making so sure that
  I can return just to see it from your side again

  Always never seems to work
  It's a word you never learned
  I don't really see a way clear
  It's a sea ever churning in tides
  In the sureness of time
  And our words will repeat now forever again
  Well this might take a while to figure out
  So don't you rush it
  And hold your head high right through the doubt
  'Cause it's just a matter of time
  You've been running so fast
  It's the seven day mile
  Has you torn in-between here and running away
  Running away

  I don't have a choice in this
  It's a road I've come upon
  You can join us if you want to

  Always never seems to work
  It's a word we never learned
  Time will be the judge of all here
  This might take a while to figure out now
  So don't you rush it
  And hold your head up high
  Right through the doubt now
  'Cause it's just a matter of time
  You've been running so fast
  It's the seven day mile
  Has you torn in-between here and running away
  It's line you've been wanting
  It's your time
  It's the seven day mile
  Has you torn in-between here and never again
  Never again"

And I said never again. So you don't have to be torn. elle


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