It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Sunday, October 2, 2011


It's Sunday, October 2nd.
This is the third Sunday I have tried to blog. Last week I had just started sharing about my week of vacation when the warden came in unannounced. He went to church early for band practice only to find that another band was visiting and he didn't need to play. He was frustrated and came home. He headed out that evening to give it another try only to read in the bulletin that it was "business meeting".
In he comes again, I slam the whole computer system down again.
Why can't he just go to church and leave me alone to write.

Now it's been almost 3 weeks since my last post. I've been 2 full weeks with no internet access.
At 1200 words a minute for 3 weeks I couldn't catch you up if I tried.
And I'm too tired to try.
Life is at a sucky level right now. I am feeling lost, alone and hopeless.
I've had 2 weeks of vacation and all I want is to return to my every day existence of hiding and writing and dreaming.
I had 2 weeks to live, spread my wings and fly.
But I knew all along that a string was tied around my leg and if I flew too far or felt too free that I risked losing that leg.
I should have done like other animals and just bit the damn thing off!

Sunday, September 25th
I was working on this last Sunday but ran out of time before the warden came in and I had to shut it all down.
I've been gone a week. No contact with the outside world (no internet :).
I can't really say I missed it.
Spent 5 days in a little corner of heaven. The bluest of water, dolphins feeding at my doorstep, wood ducks a swimmin', and a 550 ft pier of sheer fishing delight!!!

It would be hard to complain so I won't. I'll just talk about some of my favorite moments.
I spent one whole afternoon on a lounge chair on the deck. After 3 days of being under the constant touch and watchful eye of my keeper,  I needed some "space" desperately!!!
With a beach towel & a soft pillow, that chair and I became best buds! It was hot in the sun but in the shade the breeze was fabulous and I napped the hours away with the I-pod on my "Just In Love" playlist. All my favorite beach music softly soothing my cares away.

Spent an afternoon at a topless beach (well it wasn't actually a topless beach- but I made it one). Chose a nice long stretch of isolated sand and blue water to give the "girls" a nice warm glow. I haven't worn a bikini since I married (forever ago). Not that I look anything like I did then but when no one is around who gives a shit!

Bikini, no bikini, just enjoy!!! Rode the waves on the boogie board and laid in the sand under the watchful eye of the warden. He came in handy. Anyone daring to enter my topless area and I'd flip over on my belly and no one knew the difference :)

5 days of beach bliss. Even though I had no "me" space, no alcohol and no "friends" it was more than tolerable.

Now I'm home for the night and then off on another adventure.
I'm having to pay dearly for this one. The interrogation, suspicion, anger and being ignored are becoming a regular game around here. Add in a little manipulation by withholding the promised financing and he thought he had me where he wants me, under his complete control. 

BUT I can eat SPAM if I have too. I'm going. Period!

OK. Today is Sunday the 25th and the following was written a week ago on Sunday the 18th. Let's see if I can even remember my train of thought from that long ago....

This has been a week of peeling.
Just like an onion. Layer after layer. Revelation after revelation.
LOTS of tears.

BUT a few stolen moments with you have been my highlight and a reason to walk on. Moments of laughter, long talks, looking deep into my smiling eyes while I look deep into yours. What are you thinking?

It is for these moments that I live. It is for the unexpected, unplanned but perfect stolen moments that I walk through this kwagmire.

My husband is on a journey. It's his first and it has been very hard on him.
He's never been one to feel his feelings and he's certainly never felt feelings so deep as to label them.
But he's doing good. And I'm helping him. I've been down this road so many times I can walk it with my eyes closed. Which is just as well because the journey always starts in the dark.

This is not something he would have chosen!! But he doesn't really have a lot of choices.
No one ever told him "there will come a time in your life when you can't just push them down anymore". No one said, "own them now or they will own you later".
Well, actually I did tell him, but he couldn't hear me.
I was talking feelings and he doesn't speak that language.
But he's learning, the hard way.

We are on "vacation". Kinda.
You don't want to go on "vacation" with us. It ain't what it was supposed to be.
I don't remember many "vacations" with just the 2 of us (after the kids), that didn't start with a major peel the onion experience. Tears, fighting, not speaking followed by talking, sharing, closeness then forgiveness.
I guess it's good that we always makeup. And the things we finally say and feel are important but it sure does leave it's mark on a good "vacation".

Now that he's journey-ing and I'm of course STILL journey-ing it makes the experience exponentially worse!

But anytime where the water is blue (or brown. clean or dirty...) is better than time where there is no water.

And onions are meant to be peeled. And tears are sure to follow.

So we are on a journey. We are at the water. And once again I am crying... 

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