It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mountain climbing

I've had a hard time the last couple of days trying to come up with something to write about.
I wrote on Monday about my weekend, my grands, my garage sale and about how confused I am about love.
One of my followers, Judy, is one tough cookie, a survivor and a woman who says it like it is had this comment to make;

"I'm still waiting to hear why you give others the job of making you happy. You can do it for yourself."
My comment in turn was;
"How Judy?

I walked around yesterday like a whipped puppy. Asking myself "why?".
Why do I give others the job of making me happy??
The only answer I could come up with was "because I always have".
But when I dug a little deeper I think it comes down to the fact that I don't want to do what is required to be happy AND I want to blame someone else when I'm not.
I am not happy where I am, BUT my roots are DEEP. If I pull up and move on it will leave a massive hole in the lives of many. I don't think I can ever be happy knowing that my children, my husband and many friends will be left behind believing, praying and standing for my return.

Happiness is always very fleeting for me. Like a cool breeze in July (almost non-existant where we live), it appears from out of nowhere, brings the hope of refreshment and disappears.

I don't know if I'm capable of maintaining happiness. Maybe I'm just a miserable person.
I can be hard as hell to please. I can be demanding and fickle. I like solitude one moment and attention the next.
I require perfection of myself and therefore I expect it of others.
Making me happy is a pretty tall order.

I love and admire my husband because he provides security and because he stayed with me for 34 years while I drug us both through hell.
He has a forever love for me but his acceptance of me is based on my ability to show him only what he wants to see, only what he can handle.

He chose to be believ that I was the perfect Christian mom and wife. To do so he had to close his eyes for years to my addiction, depression and anger. Now he has to close his eyes to my growing dissatisfaction with our marriage, my questioning of our faith and my need to express and be myself.  These things would move me closer to wholeness and happiness but they are also moving me in a direction that is farther and farther away from him.
I am torn. I am rejected. I am alone.

Remember the golf ball. The 176 dimples that are me and the fact that he only wants to know and see 10 -15, not 176!!

I've been in love with another man because he offers fun, adventure and variety in my boring life. BUT most importantly because he accepts me the way I am, flaws and all.
He doesn't require perfection. He doesn't close his eyes. 
I keep sharing dimples and he just keeps loving me. 

In truth I want both men in my life. Instead of just saying that, dealing with the truth that I want to swing a little, hide a lot and not suffer any consequences, I play the martyr.
I want to say that my husband controls me, but it's pretty obvious that he does not.

I'm looking less lady-like and more bitch-like by the minute.
But in all honesty do I really care what others think?

Do I really have the right to be who I want to be and do what I want to do??
I think the answer is yes. As long as I'm willing to accept the consequences of my choices.
I can do and be anything I want. The question is, can I live with the person I choose? If the answer is no then I'm going to have to take responsibility for changing who I am.

I'm not ready to choose today. I'm just ready to admit that I have me, myself and I to look to for my happiness and the same three to blame if the whole thing blows up in my face.

I follow the blog of a 13 and a half year old named Abbie. She said this morning "I kept feeling weird for being myself. Why do people do that, I wonder? We kick ourselves for doing what we love, because someone  else doesn't like it. If nobody cared about others' opinions, the world would be a much happier place to be."

She posted this picture:

So I am. I'm going to try to take responsibility for my choices, for what I want and don't want and for my own happiness.

Somehow I don't think this is going to be as easy as it sounds.
I've been blaming everyone and everything for so long while at the same time despising who I am and blaming myself for deserving what I got.

It's a tangled web of a mess if I ever saw one.
I said this on Monday and it bears repeating, I think I've just made a big circle.
I was doing good and making progress and then I turned around and found myself right back where I started. 

One thing I've learned about going round and around the same mountain;
It may seem that nothing's changed but it has...
Last time I was at this place I wanted to die, hated myself and felt hopeless.
I may be hiking around the same mountain but I've changed my boots.
This time I'm walking in boots that say "I don't want to die, I want to live!", "you is kind. you is smart. you is important." and "I'm no quitter".
I don't feel hopeless, I just feel too old to still be climbing mountains :) 

"True Things" jj heller

"I'm not the clothes I'm wearing
  I'm not a photograph
  I'm not the car I drive

  I'm not the money I make
  I'm not the things I lack
  I'm not the songs that I write

  I am...who I am
  I am who I am

  There are true things inside of me
  I have been afraid to see
  I believe, help my unbelief.
  Would you say again what you said to me
  I am loved and I am free
  I believe, help my unbelief.

  I'm not the house I live in
  I'm not the man I love
  I'm not the mistakes that I carry

  I'm not the food that I don't eat
  I'm not what I'm above
  I'm not my scars and my history

  There are true things inside of me
  I have been afraid to see
  I believe, help my unbelief
  Would you say again what you said to me
  I am loved and I am free
  I believe, help my unbelief.

  To your love I'm waking up
  In your love I'm waking up."

"Control" jj heller

"The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
  It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
  One moment of relief is never long enough
  To keep the voices in my head
  From stealing my peace

  Oh, control
  It's time, time to let you go

  Perfection has a price
  But I cannot afford to live that life
  It always ends the same; a fight I never win

  Oh, control
  It's time, time to let you go

  There were scars before my scars
  Love written on the hand that hung the stars
  Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

  Oh, control
  It's time, time to let you go...
  It's time, time to let you go."


  1. OK sweetie. Step one- see the situation for what it really is. You are doing that. See, you are already making progress.

  2. I don't know why your comment meant so much but it did. I'm sitting here crying because a stranger encouraged me that I'm doing good.
    I know you can tell by my posts that I'm in deep. Obviously not the kinds of things I can share with people who know me.
    Making the choice to follow my heart has left me very lonely & isolated. So many people all around me. ALL willing to love me but I'm not willing to risk their approval by being completely honest.
    But I remember you saying that everyone doesn't need to know everything.
    So, here I am finding comfort in a stranger I trust, feel safe with and whose opinion and experience I covet.
    Want to tell me what step two is :) :)???
    I'm completely clueless....