Torment

Every day that passes the familiar sounds of torment are growing.


A little more depressed, a little more sad, confused and aimless.


I was so lonely I could die Tuesday afternoon, but when the "grands" came to visit I was detached, my head was splitting and all I wanted was to climb in my bed and sleep.


I took them to the park instead. It was nearly dusk and the boats were coming in before the dark.
The sun had set and the colors of my life were behind my left shoulder. Orange and pink and blue.
The moon was up and full and it's reflection danced with the waves in front of me.
I could breathe.
I felt peace.
Not giddy just calm.


Today dawned and holds little chance of change. I will blog, and check my email and my Facebook often. It will be the same as every other day.
My husband will come home for lunch and I may or may not be dressed.
Yesterday I was sorta dressed and dancing when he came in. 
But it is Wednesday. There is no strength for dance and why should I dress? (he's perfectly content to find me in my gown)

I'm not blaming anyone, I guess all this depression stuff is my own fault or at the very least I'm not helping it.
But neither is he. He is so content with life and with me. I'm not making any waves about drinking or other forbidden vices, I've been unusually needy and cuddly and very sexy. So why should he complain?
So I am content to live in my green room with the big goal of branching into other areas of the house.
And he is equally content. I'm where he has constant contact with me.
He is just as unsure about me finding a passion, a job, a hobby, a charity and a reason to leave this house as I am.
But I seem to remember reading somewhere (everywhere) that in order to live a full life everyone needs something to motivate, inspire and challenge them.
It's called living!

He would give me the moon on a platter if I asked.
He would hire me a house keeper if I didn't throw a fit every time he brings it up.
I do nothing or little in comparison to what I used to do. When our children were young I kept a clean house, cooked every night, decorated, sewed and hauled around 50 million kids in my mini-van.
Then I went to work, ran a successful business and was extremely creative.
I am a very capable woman (I was).

I do not need a maid! I need to be me! Where the hell did I go??

Imagine how hard it is to keep house for only 2 people? NOT!
I can do in a week with time left over what I used to do in a day just to keep my head above water. 2-3 loads of wash a week compared to 2-3 loads a day.
I'm tempted to say I have the "empty nest" syndrome, but I'm thrilled they're finally all gone!!  

Back to the world on a platter;
I told him about a bunny I saw at the mall in the big city last Friday. It was speckled!!
There were two of them. One white with grey and the other with brown. 

I love bunnies!!! Really, really love them. Always have.
So Saturday we're laying on the couch after some afternoon delight and I'm telling him about the bunnies.
"Let's go find you one" he says.
"What?"
"Get dressed. Let's go buy you a bunny".
They don't have speckled bunnies at the Petco. They don't sell "rabbits" anymore. So we had coffee and dessert instead and I was perfectly content.


My point in all this rambling is that I am not required to cook or clean or dress or anything.
If I go to church with him (he feels lonely when he goes alone), initiate and participate in really good sex (this makes him feel loved and secure), then the world is pretty much mine.


So what the hell am I complaining about????
Why do I need something to motivate me and inspire me and challenge me???
Why do I stay in this room 8-15 hours a day???
Why don't I at least sit on the porch, watch a movie, read a book, go to the park???
What is it in my brain that is still so out of whack?


The 2 weeks I spent away from this house on vacation were great. I was busy and rested and playful. 
But since I've been home the days are growing darker, my obsessions are all around me and now the torment is beginning all over again.


I'm going to share a song with you.
It's by Steven Curtis Chapman.
He wrote it and an entire CD after the horrible death of one of his daughters.
He and his wife had 2 sons and a daughter and then adopted three precious girls from China.
His oldest son was backing up the family SUV and one of the girls was run over and killed.
Unbearable!!! Simply unfathomable!
Steven is a song writer and in his healing process he wrote all the songs on this CD.


I especially like this one, "Spring Is Coming". It reminds me that in the darkest of winter, when the ground is frozen over, life is just below the surface waiting for springs thaw. Waiting to bloom again. (that's me)

Last year when our daughter and her 2 little boys lived with us I sang this song all the time and "little blue eyes" picked it up.
I recorded him on my phone and it is my ringtone.

They moved away several months ago and it was bitter time.
I felt such guilt because I was so ready for them to leave! We have had 3 of our children and their children live with us and I was so tired of people in my space. Tired of their messes in my new house, their noise and drama!

This is when I began to hide in my room.
It started in the FEMA trailer. The only place I could escape was that little room with the tiny window and no TV. But the door had a lock and this became my salvation!
Little fingers would be under my door and little voices calling "nana" but I would tune it all out. I learned to harden my motherly instincts in my desperate search for self-preservation.
My perfect storm was building and swirling and I was sinking fast.
Still makes me shudder when I think of those awful times. I can still smell the smell of destruction and taste the bitter taste of loss.
I lost my home, my business, my dignity, my mind and my will to live.

**** Light bulb moment!!!!
It never fails. I'm writing (which is like brain storming to me) and all of a sudden there is an answer to a "WHY" that has been plaguing me.
I needed a place to hide from the chaos and the trauma and my bedroom was that place.
I carried that need over to the big house and even after they moved away I still feel most comfortable in this room. Not just comfortable, I feel safe and trapped at the same time. **** (must tell therapist!)


Continuing on...
They moved and the situation they moved to was less than ideal and had the likely possibility of danger. I grieved and grieved and grieved over the loss and my fear for their safety.


When my cell phone rings and I hear "little blue eyes" tiny voice singing I usually smile.

But lately when the song plays on my Ipod I grieve all over again.
I miss them. "Little chunky man" is talking and I can hear him on the phone. But I don't want to just hear him, I want to see that little mouth as he says a million words a minute, none of which I understand :)


Because their daddy/ my daughters husband has a recent and serious addiction to drugs she does not leave him for long periods of time (like overnight). He does well as long as she's around but relapses quickly when she leaves.
 
I'm so lonesome for them.


While we were at the beach I spent a day on the deck in sheer heaven. Nearly nude on a beach towel laid across a lounge chair. My music playing and a fabulous breeze on a very hot day.
The song came on and I cried and cried and cried.
My worried husband sat by me and held my hand. I tried to share but the hurt and fear and confusion was too deep. So I offered a smile and he knew.

The song came on this morning and I cried more.
And I know the torment is so close because now the death thoughts are nipping at my heels.
Listening to the song and hearing my precious little mans voice on my phone and I let my mind start to wander.
What if something happened to him? What if all I had left was that happy voice singing loud and clear "spring is comin'"?
And then I couldn't breathe. Please don't let him die. Please don't take my babies. I know the enemy wants to destroy me but don't do it through my babies. Just take me. I'll go quietly...
I promise. I won't fight. Just take me....


It's a double edged sword.
The song is about planting a seed in the dead of winter with the hope and faith that when the ground begins to thaw it will bloom again.
It is also about a little girl buried in that ground and the deadness of her parents hearts buried with her. All life hinging on the changing of seasons and the certainty that they won't stop changing just because everything that once was alive now feels dead.


That is my life. The hope that spring will come soon and I will thaw and bloom like I did before the world went dark.


Life is a double edged sword right now.
I am so lonely.
I have a private blog and a private Facebook page.
I tried a public "test blog" but no one wants to hear the truth.

If I had cancer and had a Facebook page devoted to my journey it would be filled with prayers, words of life and encouragement.
But I don't have cancer, I just have depression. 

Both kill people everyday, but one is acceptable and one is not.
People are that way. Some are acceptable and some are not.
I was acceptable until I changed. Now few people come near me.

Maybe if they really knew me they could see the good. There is good. 
You just have to look below the surface and beneath the protective walls.
You have to be willing to see below the ice and believe in the seed.
It's easier just to walk away, and many do.




"Spring Is Coming" steven curtis chapman
http://youtu.be/Bco4kmBHEKQ

"We planted the seed while the tears
  Of our grief soaked the ground
  The sky lost it's sun and the world
  Lost it's green to lifeless brown
  Now the chill in the wind
  Has turned the earth hard as stone
  And silent the seed lies
  Beneath ice and snow
  And my heart's heavy now,
  But I'm not letting go 
  Of this hope I have that tells me
  
  Spring is coming, Spring is coming
  And all we've been hoping and longing for
  Soon will appear
  Spring is coming, Spring is coming
  It won't be long now
  It's just about here


  Hear the bird start to sing
  Feel the life in the breeze
  Watch the ice melt away
  The kids are coming out to play
  Feel the sun on your skin
  Growing strong and warm again
  Watch the ground
  There's something moving
  Something is breaking through
  New life is breaking through


  Spring is coming (Out of these ashes beauty will rise)
  Spring is coming (Sorrow will be turned to joy)
  All we've been hoping and longing for (All we've hoped for)
  Soon will appear (Soon will appear)
  Spring is coming (Out of the darkness beauty will shine)
  Spring is coming (All Earth and Heaven rejoice)
  It's won't be long now (Spring is coming soon)
  It's just about here (Spring is coming soon)"

"Steven Curtis Chapman & family"
(Good Morning America interview)
http://youtu.be/hGYQFk95Dhw

"Beauty Will Rise" steven curtis chapaman
http://youtu.be/rJynET3b3PM

"It was the day the world went wrong
  I screamed till my voice was gone
 And watched through the tears
  As everything came crashing down


  Slowly panic turns to pain
  As we awake to what remains
  And sift through the ashes that are left behind
  But buried deep beneath
  All our broken dreams
  We have this hope


  Out of these ashes beauty will rise
  We will dance among the ruins
  We will see it with out own eyes
  Out of these ashes beauty will rise
  For we know joy is coming in the morning
  In the morning beauty will rise


  So take another breath for now
  Let the tears come washing down
  If you can't believe, I will believe for you
  'Cause I have seen the signs of spring


  Because out of these ashes beauty will rise
  We will dance among the ruins
  We will see it with our own eyes
  Out of these ashes beauty will rise
  For we know joy is coming in the the morning
  In the morning


  I can hear it in the distance
  And it's not too far away
  It's the music and the laughter
  Of a wedding and a feast
  I can almost feel the hand of God
  Reaching for my face
  To wipe the tears away
  Say it's time to make everything new
  Make it all new


  This is our hope
  This is our promise
  This is our hope
  This is our promise
  It will take our breath away
  To see the beauty that's been made
  Out of the ashes, out of the ashes
  It will take our breath away
  To see the beauty that He's made
  Out of the ashes, Out of the ashes


  Out of these ashes beauty will rise
  We will dance among the ruins
  We will see it with our own eyes
  Out of this darkness new light will shine
  And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning
  In the morning beauty will rise
  Oh beauty will rise
  Ohhh
  Beauty will rise"


Listening to their story and their ability to hold it all together, to hold tightly to each other and their faith I am ashamed.
What I lost is so minuscule in comparison!

And yet in the midst of tragedy while they were drawing closer to each other and to their God I was distancing myself from mine.


There was a time in the no too distant past when I took my grief and funneled it into faith.
I have danced with total abandonment and complete joy Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. So full of hope. So sure that "out of these ashes beauty will rise".
I remember singing and declaring that I would "dance upon these ruins".


Then the world went from dark to black to death and I lost my footing.
I turned from my faith, tried to turn from my family. Now I don't know about my future or my salvation. I see no hope of returning to my calling or my purpose. I can't imagine that I will ever dance before the Lord again.
That me is dead. 

As I was listening to Out Of These Ashes I wrote these words;

"Please God,
bring beauty out of these ashes"

This is the music in my heart that burns
This is my journey....elle