It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Friday, August 26, 2011

If it gets any worse, shoot it and spare it the misery

I have suspected but had no final proof, until now, that my life is 
un-redeemable and of no value.

I could be called the "Typhoid Mary" of the heart.

I have single handedly destroyed every relationship that has come near me. 

I have screwed up and screwed over every person who has tried to love me and to reach me.
I am screwed.

This is not a bad day. This is a day of reckoning. A day from hell. 

"Savin' Me" nickelback

"Prison gates won't open up for me
  On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
  Oh, I reach for you
  Well I'm terrified of these four walls
  These iron bars can't hold my soul in
  All I need is you
  Come please I'm callin'
  Hurry I'm fallin', fallin'

  Show me what it's like
  To be the last one standing
  And teach me wrong from right
  And I'll show you what I can be
  And say it for me
  Say it to me
  And I'll leave this life behind me
  Say it if it's worth savin' me

  Heaven's gates won't open up for me
  With these broken wings I'm fallin'
  And all I see is you
  These city walls ain't got no love for me
  I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
  And all I scream for you
  Come please I'm callin'
  And all I need from you
  Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

  Hurry I'm fallin'

  All I need is you
  Come please I'm callin'
  And all I scream for you
  Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"

I'm in a bit of shock right now. I needed the right song to express my desperation. I knew there were 3 that a friend had sent me and I went lookin' for them. 

I found this one and I feel like someone just attached a huge stone to my chest and threw me overboard.
When he sent it, it was with a really strange video. I could hear the music but the lyrics escaped me as I tried to figure out the video. I even wrote back and asked what it meant to him.
I never heard the words. I never heard the cry. How could I have been so very, very, very stupid!!!

Forgive me. I wasn't listening. I didn't hear. Why didn't you help me hear your heart? I share mine in a million venues. Music, words, laughter, tears, fear, flight, desperation, clinging, begging.....all I do is share. Trying to be heard.
Why couldn't I hear your desperation crying to be heard? Am I so deaf???

"It's been days and weeks and months now, 
and you only say what you mean at the moment anyhow. 
And this weekend you will start anew. 
And I may mean nothing to you." elle

"Creep" radiohead

"When you were here before
  Couldn't look you in the eye
  You're just like an angel
  Your skin makes me cry
  You float like a feather
  In a beautiful world
  I wish I was special
  You're so ____ special

  But I'm a creep
  I'm a weirdo
  What the hell am I doing here"
  I don't belong here

  I don't care if it hurts
  I want to have control
  I want a perfect body
  I want a perfect soul
  I want you to notice when I'm not around
  You're so _____ special
  I wish I was special

  But I'm a creep
  I'm a weirdo
  What the hell I'm doing here?
  I don't belong here

  She's running out the door
  She's running out
  She runs runs runs

  Whatever makes you happy
  Whatever you want
  You're so _____ special
  I wish I was special

  But I'm a creep
  I'm a weirdo
  What the hell am I doing here?
  I don't belong here
  I don't belong here"

We've gotta talk. No wonder we feel like we're trying to find each other in a fog. We're speaking the same words but in different languages.
The video I just posted I could absorb. But when you sent me the video of the F-word shouting, zombie lookin' band I just didn't get it.
I mean I got it but not like now.
I'm gonna have to close my eyes more and just listen.
How much have you said that I just couldn't hear???

And we continue:

"Crazy" gnarls barkley

"I remember when
  I remember I remember when I lost my mind
  There was something so pleasant about that place
  Even your emotions had an echo
  In so much space

  And when you're out there
 Without care
  Yeah, I was out of touch
  But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
  I just knew too much

  Does that make me crazy?
  Does that make me crazy?
  Does that make me crazy?

  And I hope that you are having the time of your life
  But think twice, that's my only advise

  Come on now, who do you
  Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
  Ha ha ha, bless your soul
  You really think you're in control?

  I think you're crazy
  I think you're crazy
  I think you're crazy
  Just like me

  My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
  And all I remember is thinking, I wanna be like them

  Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
  And it's no coincidence I've come
  And I can die when I'm done

  But maybe I'm crazy
  Maybe you're crazy
  Maybe we're crazy

This one I got.
Thought I never had to question twice. 
Just didn't know I was so "out of touch" 
That you were telling me so much.

You knew all along I was "out of control"
There was a dark place in my soul
But you hung with me even so
Couldn't leave me or let me go.

Does that make you crazy
Knowing I'm crazy
Does that make you crazy
Lovin' me so
I don't know
But God bless your soul! L.E.

To whom it may concern;
If you betray me out of your fear, you'll regret it. If you tell because you're afraid, you'll nail my coffin shut. I'm not threatening you. You are my flesh and blood. But if you can't handle my page you have my permission to leave, you aren't required to stay.
I know you think I'm doing bad. You worry if I'm at the end. And what I might be capable of.  
But it's been oh so much worse & may even get worser still.
You need to know that I'm safe. As long as I'm expressing, I am safe.
The day I shut it all down and say "go to hell", then you can worry. 
BUT you can never tell.
You promised you could keep my truth, you just didn't know it could get so bad. Anytime you say " I just can't hang", then you can go.
Just don't betray me. Don't steal my soul. L.E.

(It's Sunday morning, the 28th. I know now that I don't need to fear your betrayal.
With you my secrets are safe even when you can't cross the line into enabling. Thank you for all you reminded me of this weekend.) I love you, L.E.

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