I have suspected but had no final proof, until now, that my life is
un-redeemable and of no value.
I could be called the "Typhoid Mary" of the heart.
I have single handedly destroyed every relationship that has come near me.
I have screwed up and screwed over every person who has tried to love me and to reach me.
I am screwed.
This is not a bad day. This is a day of reckoning. A day from hell.
"Savin' Me" nickelback
http://youtu.be/r6jzC04zFjE
"Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
Hurry I'm fallin', fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And all I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Hurry I'm fallin'
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'"
I'm in a bit of shock right now. I needed the right song to express my desperation. I knew there were 3 that a friend had sent me and I went lookin' for them.
I found this one and I feel like someone just attached a huge stone to my chest and threw me overboard.
When he sent it, it was with a really strange video. I could hear the music but the lyrics escaped me as I tried to figure out the video. I even wrote back and asked what it meant to him.
I never heard the words. I never heard the cry. How could I have been so very, very, very stupid!!!
Forgive me. I wasn't listening. I didn't hear. Why didn't you help me hear your heart? I share mine in a million venues. Music, words, laughter, tears, fear, flight, desperation, clinging, begging.....all I do is share. Trying to be heard.
Why couldn't I hear your desperation crying to be heard? Am I so deaf???
"It's been days and weeks and months now,
and you only say what you mean at the moment anyhow.
And this weekend you will start anew.
And I may mean nothing to you." elle
"Creep" radiohead
http://youtu.be/l_HHvypuRQQ
"When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so ____ special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here"
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so _____ special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so _____ special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here"
We've gotta talk. No wonder we feel like we're trying to find each other in a fog. We're speaking the same words but in different languages.
The video I just posted I could absorb. But when you sent me the video of the F-word shouting, zombie lookin' band I just didn't get it.
I mean I got it but not like now.
I'm gonna have to close my eyes more and just listen.
How much have you said that I just couldn't hear???
And we continue:
"Crazy" gnarls barkley
http://youtu.be/bd2B6SjMh_w
"I remember when
I remember I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
And when you're out there
Without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Mmm!
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly
Probably
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advise
Mmmm
Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?
Well,
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I wanna be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably"
This one I got.
Thought I never had to question twice.
Just didn't know I was so "out of touch"
That you were telling me so much.
You knew all along I was "out of control"
There was a dark place in my soul
But you hung with me even so
Couldn't leave me or let me go.
Does that make you crazy
Knowing I'm crazy
Does that make you crazy
Lovin' me so
I don't know
But God bless your soul! L.E.
To whom it may concern;
If you betray me out of your fear, you'll regret it. If you tell because you're afraid, you'll nail my coffin shut. I'm not threatening you. You are my flesh and blood. But if you can't handle my page you have my permission to leave, you aren't required to stay.
I know you think I'm doing bad. You worry if I'm at the end. And what I might be capable of.
But it's been oh so much worse & may even get worser still.
You need to know that I'm safe. As long as I'm expressing, I am safe.
The day I shut it all down and say "go to hell", then you can worry.
BUT you can never tell.
You promised you could keep my truth, you just didn't know it could get so bad. Anytime you say " I just can't hang", then you can go.
Just don't betray me. Don't steal my soul. L.E.
(It's Sunday morning, the 28th. I know now that I don't need to fear your betrayal.
With you my secrets are safe even when you can't cross the line into enabling. Thank you for all you reminded me of this weekend.) I love you, L.E.
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