It All Began

DANCE while you can...."I will not stand to the side and allow the MUSIC in
my HEART to fadeaway and die.
I will DANCE to my own LIFE SONG."

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A bit of bitterness

I saw this and realized how homesick I am for my shop.
I owned a great antique/junk shop for 12 years. Here in our neck of the woods it would be called a "mall".  I rented spaces to other people. They did their own display and pricing. I did all the advertising, selling and book keeping. It was a neat place to hang out and I made some great friends through the years.

I don't miss having to work weekends or doing taxes. I do miss piddling around, designing displays, junkin' for "found treasures" and always having someone who would happily go "dumpster diving" with. I miss estate sales, the smell of fresh paint and Johnson's Paste Wax. I miss Tuesday morning quilting classes and 10 women happily stitching and yackin'. I miss learning about coins, world wars and depression glass. I miss naked pictures of Marilyn Monroe with paper taped over her boobs and privates and the stereo where we played albums & the music of the greats. I miss the music. There was always music. There was a baby grand piano where people would sit and play, an accordion, violin and several trumpets. Someone was always humming, harmonizing or dancing. We once had a naked Egyptian mannequin who looked really great in vintage dresses and hats.
It was a really "cool" place to hang. 

I closed for several reasons. My building suffered a lot of hurricane damage in 2005. In '08 we were hit again, but this time I lost my home and everything I owned. I did not handle the loss well. 

For years I had struggled with serious spending issues. Working in an atmosphere where good buys daily "walk in off the street" is like hiring a drunk to run a bar and saying "don't drink". It wasn't happening. After years of spending much more than I made and serious debt issues my husband was at wits end. He came to despise my business because of what it represented. The last 2 years before I closed he would hardly walk in the door. He wanted me out, yesterday!

I was severely depressed, unable to rebuild our home and used the shop as a place to "hide away". 

I finally realized that unless I closed I would never move on with my life. So  I gave my vendors 3 months notice and began the process of liquidating.
Liquidating for me was like getting someone from "Hoarders" to let go of their stuff. The parting was more like ripping.

In the end I hired a company to come in and give my stuff away in a huge "going out of business" sale. It was very difficult, I was overwhelmed and discouraged. 
A saying that is popular here in the south applied very aptly to me. I looked like I had been "rode hard and put up wet."
The final day came, I closed and then nothing.

That is where I still am. 18 months later and I still do no-thing.
My husband wanted me to retire and do things I enjoyed. Teach a lady's bible study, go to exercise classes, sew, decorate, play with the grandbabies......

I don't do any of those things. 

Those were the things I did "before". Now it is "after".
The perfect southern lady who cooked, gardened and cared for her family is gone.
Hidden somewhere in the depths of her soul was a gypsy of a woman, a bad girl, a rebel who wanted to wander and to play. She was hiding under a lot of emotional baggage and when she emerged I was as surprised as everyone else. 

My hubby now realizes after a year and a half that there are some serious issues with the way I'm willing to live. If I can't have my cake and eat it too then why have it. I spend my days in my room, alone, in hiding. I would just as soon tell the world to "put it where the sun don't shine" as to try to pretend to be what I no longer am.
I don't want to teach a lady's bible study. I would like to learn to play Texas Hold 'em. I would like to drink a beer on occasion without the world coming to an end. I would like to go to a casino, take a road trip, see the world a little and taste the forbidden. To do so is to risk being burnt at the stake.

I sold the building that housed my business to our oldest son. It has been completely renovated and looks amazing. It has been available for lease for several months and the loan payments on the repairs are tough on he and his little family. He needs to lease it soon or he is going to sell it.

Out of the blue my husband says to me, "If you want to open another shop you are welcome to. Whatever makes you happy." WTF!
The man who hated my business, ignored and snubbed me because of it, now wants me to do it again???? The same man who won't let me go on "junkin'" trips with my sister and mom without guilting me to death. The same one who controls my every move just wants me to "be happy". 

There are so many days when I want to throw up my hands and say "I quit". This is one of them.

"Hideaway"the carpenters

"I've got to find a place to hideaway
 Far from the shadows of my mind
 Sunlight and laughter, love ever after
 Oh how I long to find a place to hideaway

 I hear you whisper and I must obey
 Blindly I'll follow where you lead
 Knowing tomorrow brings only sorrow
 Where can I go to find a place to hideaway

 Bright colored pinwheels go round in my head
 I run through the mist and the wine

 But the night and the music remind me instead
 The world once was mine
 I'll save my pennies for a rainy day
 But where can I buy another you?
 Dreams are for sleeping
 Love is for weeping
 Oh, how I long to find a place to hideaway" elle

(This song was put out in 1971. I was 11 years old. I remember wearing long dresses like Karen has on in this video. I was in the 6th grade, very involved in dancing, still in elementary school but just months from Jr. High. Little did I know that in less than 2 years I would be a young woman with breasts, a cute butt and a libido that would affect the rest of my life. I was clueless. I was lonely. I was already a disappointment to my daddy, and I knew it. I was only 11.)

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